They say its better to love and lost then never to love at all................i just think that you should try to tell that to a brokken hearted guy/girl...

Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them... can't help it.

When you see something from afar, you develop a fantasy. But when you see it up close, 9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.

Jeweller: [holding a diamond ring] Magnificent, aren't they? "God's tears".
Matthew: Yeah. It's beautiful. So are the others, I... I guess I just have to make the right decision.
Jeweller: In the end it's not your eye that must decide.

It always have bothered me,people having a perceived notion of me just by the way i act or talk even worse stories that they hear from someone else about the horrible things i have done.This includes teachers.Whenever i received any scoldings or friends telling me hey youre a jerk and youre an asshole,i've never retaliate.I just keep it to myself and continue doing whatever i'm doing.I find it strange that people don't think that i have a heart too,that i  am human just 'cause i continue being a clown does not mean i am not affected by what you are saying about me.I'm nice in a sense that i brushed off such uncultured comments that really hurts and continue trying to be at peace with myself.I guess part of the problem is that i don't tell anyone my point of view,my side of the story so no one can really sympathise with me.However,just 'cause i dont spill my heart and guts out to you does not mean that i am deprived of any feelings that you feel too.i'm not that sort of guy who goes to friends for comfort.

i dont pass judgements on those who open themselves readily to other people so please don't be a wise ass and do it on me.I'm human.There are things that i still need to learn,not entirely perfect never will be.But i just hope that you will realise that for yourself too.

Even to the worse of teachers who i know hate me,i'll never find it in myself to totally ignore and be rebellious towards them.I can't find a single person that i totally hate or even dislike.The constant reminder of death puts things into perspective and i don't want any one person to be bitter about my existence.But if you do...i'm sorry.

And i always had this belief that relationships could only be understood by the two person involved in it.So,really you're not a saint and i'm not a miracle.I'm learning and i'm trying to be a better person.

It sucks when someone goes up to you and say eh...youre a jerk.When they have no idea what you or your partner been through and only hears to one half of the story.My immediate response would be what makes you say that..were you in my position...were you there?...but finally don't they realise that they too have failed relationships.
I guess it''s easier to make a person a scapegoat especially if he is a loudmouthed motherfucked like me.But asshole,you don't understand you were not one of us so please you should reserve your energy to check what went wrong with your own life and not waste your precious little time passing your judgement unto others.


Sorry,im a little lonely.

My favourite song and video from an absolute legend.

Aside from muhammad ali,i guess micheal is perhaps the other most famous person.I liked him since i was...six?.Which guy didint try to do the moondance.His songs will always be remembered throughout the ages.

I'm sorry if it's uncool/or i'm just another guy jumping on the bandwagon.But,i dont care..

"Mother always tell me............."

i TYPED this looooooong post.and tadah.i got nothing to show for it.....NICE!:)I guess.................somehow it was not meant to be.


xee yue

I have no social life at all.Alone,most of the time.

Even in lecture halls.It seems that there's no one that can be considered as a partner.But that's okay.I'm not needy or anything.

I guess i've got to get comfortable with the fact that im just another student trying to get into a university(Exeter sounds good to me).

I got no one to call or message or say goodnight to except for my parents.

It's just that i don't want to sacrifice myself just for someone's company even if it is just self worth.I don't want to try to entertain you,i don't want to try to be happy and tell funny jokes.You searching for a funny guy,a serious guy,a clever guy,a nice guy,someone who would share his thoughts with you.Someone who'll always be there when you need/want him to be.

But honestly,im none of the above-mentioned.You want to know my story but not all of it.Not the depressing ones,not the self-indulgent ones.You always want me to be there but honestly sometimes you don't.

I lost my faith in people.It's just that if you really care for me so much....why don't you ever call.If i ever meant anything,how come i got nothing except memories to remember you by...or just the fact that you never start a conversation is just startling.

So please don't say that you love/care/see me valuable even as a friend.I'm tired of those lies.

So go..comfort with the thoughts that you have tried.Comfort yourself with the thoughts that 'hey he made the decision.Comfort yourself that i caused you alot of pain that i don't try..

You tell your friends the things that i do that caused you pain.So i'm seen like a traitor now.But isnt it that i'm so obviously framed?.

I have nothing now.But that's okay.Like lucy said "Yes,i agree,it is humiliating.But perhaps that is a good point to start from again.Perhaps that is what i must learn to accept.To start at ground level.With nothing.Not with nothing but.With nothing.No cards,no weapons,no property,no rights,no dignity".

Just one thing...please don't steal from me the sorrow that i've earned..




 

I dont know why anyone would like me really even as a friend.Why anyone would bother talking to me.

I guess that's why i prefer to hang out with guys like my classmate Jeya rather than a cool,handsome guy like my classmate hakim.

I supposed im more comfortable being known as the fat idiot boy who always shouting in class and making fun of people.Ive matured alot sincei guess.I know what it is to be nice,to be quiet and to listen.

But there's alot of insecurities that i still have.I guess

Its just that maybe i could never see myself as the guy who has a girlfriend.'Cause that guy is normally cool and socially less weird,i guess.And commitment has always been an issue with me.It's a very real fear.Its kind of selfish but it's genuine.

And i have a theory that i normally messed up a girl's life whenever i get involved even as a friend with her.

Seriously,i do.

I've never known why anyone would ever like me.

Even for my parents.They love me,they do.They can stand impossible and stupid things that i do since i was a kid.
And im not grateful for it...all i can think of is 'why???!!"...

My mother always say,"'cause you're our son".But i think it's stupid to love someone just 'cause you share the same blood line.

I know that i'm quite a nice guy when i want to be.But if you really were to know me,the things that im thinking,the things that i do.You wouldnt like me at all.

Maybe,it's true then.

A sheik once ask a priest,"if i were to give you the best prostitude in the world,would you honestly say that you wouldnt have any sexual feelings towards her?"

The priest said,"No but i would be able to control myself".

It's choice and control that stop men from being evil.Not your character,not your personality.Not your bloody brains that god gave you.So maybe im not that bad,afterall(hahaha....)

Lady, come into my room
   I pretend I'm sleeping, half an eye on you,
Slow, you take of your clothes,
 You knew I was watching, 
  Said "How'd you like to show?"
    Then I told you I loved you   
And you said yeah I know,
    Babe I thought I could die
     Before I'd ever let go.

Well, I fell under a spell
All the love you gave me
I took it from myself,
And no matter what you tried
I wouldn't let you help me
Or look you in the eye,
 I remember the day that we
Said our goodbyes,
Though I can't for the life of me
Remember why
I'm still going into town now too often,
Nails in my coffin, to auld lang syne,
 Everytime, everytime


                    
I, I was afraid of time,
If I didn't change me
 I would fall behind,
 
And so, I went on the road,
On to California, 
  Here I am alone
 I know how to do right                      
But I've been getting it wrong,
     Now I'm sitting here hoping
I'll come back to form



its so nice.....i love mick.not in a gay way.he's not my type.HAHA

i wish i was smart.But i'm stupid.

I guess it's like being fat.Fat ppl like me,we love to complain that we're fat and do absolutely nothing about it(yes,ricky you're right)

So is being stupid,i guess.And being lazy.Its a choice really.A choice which becomes an addiction.

I wish i was an articulate man.Not necessarily funny but articulate.( for me would be when i can hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes by using the correct vocabulary,grammar and adjectives).

A lit paper i wrote this year which i swore would have done better if my grammar was better."Bad language".. my teacher wrote it there.

But like anything else that went wrong in my life,i'll complain about it and do,in my own words,"absolutely nothing".

See,i love to criticize myself.Im a very self-indulgent man.A classmate,just to politically correct,of mine once said ,"The world doesnt revolve around you".

It's harsh but it's true,i suppose.It revolves around the sun(i'm taking the mickey out off you).But seriously,i guess its true.People have their own lives and i should stop thinking that everybody hates me when they don't even think about me.Or some do actually love me,right? haha.

I envy people who are able to talk about "worthy" issues or what coetzee* says,"issues that are worth thinking about".Im impressed by men like coetzee,really.They don't think of their own problems and go 'im f****'.They think about other people's problems and go 'we're f****'

Anyway,there must be some good things about me.Right?

I really have a problem of low self-confidence and self-esteem.Need to solve that.

Its really cool to be confident,sharil.I suggest you start trying that.

I have a joke.

Someone who reads my blog why do you refer yourself as a third person when you're the one who is writing the post.(Suppose to be funny).

*Coetzee is a racist writer who writes about the situation in South Africa.Although,no one actually gives a shit about the situation there.He won his awards just cause he's white.Im kidding.I love the man.

I have a joke...


My mother hears  a knock on the door...

My mother:Whose that?
Stranger:The fat guy with a big ego.
My mother opens the door,it was my sister

My mother:Oh i thought you were Sharil sofy.

Its not really funny is it.....


i swear sometimes my family are just irritating...

sister "No wonder he's on a diet,look at his fat ass"...

Not that funny seriously
 

The first part is okay i mean im waayyy funny.. .but alittle romantic i mean....
im too romantic i make shakespeare look like a baboon really...


(i swear to god i have to stop watching ricky gervais's comedy shows.He's always boosting he's own ego)

So french girls im sorry but i cant be yours..

(French girls:WHOOOPIEE
Other girls:OH NOO!)

I always knew i could count on guys.to be there....

See im really funny right right???

Silence.Cricket sounds....

:)

Sorry....

For the....number of videos.

In a state of confusion.

"When you're feeling low'....

"Trying to get myself together.Trying to do better"

"Aint it clear when i'm near you.I just want to hear you".

"There's the last words that we meant to share,but there's a new girl now so he shouldnt dare".

Mick flannery+lisa hannigan+ray lamontagne+rachel yamagata=......Bad blog post.hahah.

Favourite Scene......

BEING FAT IS NOT FUNNY YOU FATSHIT RICKY GERVAIS....


although i must say...he is quite funny.......



BUTTTTTTTTTTT..i hope ricky has a fat son and in school everyone makes fun of his son being fat..and then the son probably goes up to his mother and say Mom everyone is calling me fat i dont want to go to school and he becomes noisy and aggresive cause thats the only way that he knows to deal with being fat.Cause he's so damn insecure about himself.And friends leave him out of any fun events cause he's too uncool and FAT.Then they pranked him by always asking him out and then making him wait for them but they never turn up.And somedays when they feel kind,they will walk halfway to the interchange with him then suddenly run away to avoid him.Or in the canteen he is forced to sit alone Cause he's uncool and fatttt.........and he's so desperate for friends,he starts chasing them having no self respect and self worth.THEN he realises that no one actually wants to be around him.HE STARTS GOING ON CRAZY DIETS AND LONG RUNS JUST TO BURN OFF THE EXTRA POUNDS.but even tho,he's slimmer he always has that insecurity that everyone is up to something that no one genuinely likes him.So he hides behind he's loudmouthed aggresive manner that was cultivated in him since the fat days...to this very day....
SO RICKY MAKE A JOKE THEN YOU MOTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEERR.....FFFFFFF......

gonna run now...SSEEE YA...

Is that alright,yeah?...

Yes.Everyone makes a stupid mistake,a decision that we regret,a rude remark,pushing away someone who loves you.Using someone.Not saying something that is supposed to be said.Handing work late.Being late for a meeting.Doing something that you should not be doing.

The most important thing that my coach has taught me this past week is,to quote him,"There's always the next time".

I guess what he is  trying to say is you try your best to learn from your past mistakes.But what is more important is to learn to move on.Not to let yourself feel bad for your mistakes.Not to hold a grudge against a friend or an enemy from his/her wrongdoings towards you.

Since my coach said that to me i guess i've matured more.No need for useless shouting in a rugby match or any fighting.No need to sulk when you're put on the bench.I guess you just have to accept your faith and do the best that you can with what you have.

And if along the way you 'fuck up'.Apologise.Forgive yourself.Move on.

I'm not talking about only rugby.Rugby matters,but life matters more...


Take care.

I've always like the video.Lisa hannigan and damien rice.Sigh....

She sits alone with her silent song.

"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions, courage that could be described as "grace under pressure" — grace which is renewed repeatedly in the face of harsh, unremitting pressure".

The only thing that's bad about her is that...bono likes her....

She gives me hope.
No matter,the number of people that hates her.No matter,the number of people that loves her.
She maintains her own dignity and the only respect that matters.....self respect.

In other words,the lady has class.

Don't let the fear of being alone get to you.Maybe,the best best friend you can have is you.

Waking up today.it was cold.
There's something i should say,
But i can't get my head around the bends in your brain.
And your elaborate pain,it makes me tired.

As an old balloon,i hold my breath.
Like a penance paid too soon with too much eagerness.
To know what is true when air is changed by you, makes it hard.

I had a life where my soul was my own...

They say,"If you can't love yourself,you'll never know why anyone would ever love you".

Think that i have to find myself first,before finding anyone.

Cheers....

it's a good song by a good songwriter/singer. btw.:).

"oh no but tonight you got a heavy load".

i guess we feel like a burden to someone everytime.Sometimes,i need you to be there when i have a shitty day when class ends at six and havent eaten for the whole damn day.But when i start to complain and you dont reply.feel like i have just scared you.

Then,i feel guilty cause i added unnecessary weight on you.

You said you wish for somebody who truly loves you.
Wasnt i that guy
But,
"I wish you all that you wish for yourself."